If you don't ask, you don't get
The magic of unlearning the need to be liked
I deeply believe that, as women, we’ve had engraved in us, very deeply, very silently, the need to be liked, to be good, to say the right things, to not ask too much.
Twelve thousand years of being good
Whether my statement can be sustained by science or not is another topic. However, since the end of the hunter-gatherer period and the beginning of the agricultural revolution, things have become increasingly complex for us. Twelve thousand years ago, women started to be treated inferiorly. As societies settled, land ownership, inheritance, and surplus control became important. Men began to dominate these areas, while women's roles became increasingly domestic and confined to childbearing and home management.
Now, if we put things in perspective:
In 12,000 years, there are about 400-480 generations of humans.
Since roughly 50% of every generation is women, we can expect that there were 200-240 generations of women.
Now, that’s a shit load of women, all coming from different backgrounds, upbringings, cultures, and histories.
It’s hard to generalize, but it is simply undeniable that most women have been inferiorized from generation to generation for the last 12,000 years.
Why did it happen? That’s a whole different story, and highly complex. Women’s need to be good comes from long-standing social, cultural, and historical pressures, rooted in patriarchal structures, surrendering to the system to survive, and historical pressures.
The fear of asking
So, with all of this in my mind throughout the last couple of days, the weekly question came to mind:
Why is it so hard for most women to ask what they want?
And when I ask this, I mean it in EVERY single aspect of their lives. I have friends all over that:
Face constant uncertainty in their romantic relationships because they don’t dare take the step to ask, “What are we doing here?”
Do not dare ask for a raise in their work when they kick-ass, work more than the average employee, and clearly deserve it.
Struggle with their core family relationships because they didn’t dare to set a clear boundary, which, in one way or another, is voicing what they want.
Ask for feedback after a job rejection to be better, do better.
Have faced burnout because they felt they had to prove they were at the same capability as men, or couldn’t dare to say, “I need to rest.”
People don’t bite — at least normal ones don’t. But we just think we do not have the right to ask.
We deeply believe
We are not entitled to a strong voice.
We do not deserve whatever it is we want.
We deeply believe whatever it is we’re thinking is unreasonable.
And we start to find justifications for not asking.
After watching the latest episode of “And Just Like That” yesterday, what Carrie said was on point:
“If you don’t ask, you don’t get.”
Wow, it hit me.
If you don’t ask,
well, you won’t get.
You’ll keep waiting,
not knowing what could’ve been.
You’ll stay stuck,
probably unsatisfied,
and at some points,
deeply frustrated with what there is.
And that’s where you’ll start facing bitterness.
Why don’t you dare? Ask yourself:
What is so scary about asking for it?
It’s most likely not unreasonable.
It’s most likely justifiable.
And it must certainly be explainable if we’re talking about what we want.
I’ll tell you what — I’m scared, because I don’t want to hurt others, make others uncomfortable, and seem insensitive.
AND THIS is beautiful and highly problematic :-)
We can be empathetic, emotional, and understanding, and we also need to learn to recognize our worth and to stop thinking we are not deserving.
Girl, the universe isn’t on a budget.
Whatever it is, ASK FOR IT.
What if you just did?
Asking for a raise in my first job was literally one of the scariest moments of my life. I felt SO uncomfortable, as if asking was actually a disrespect. And when I got it, it felt so empowering. Like, damn, I did that.
There’s a massive (and I mean MASSIVE) road to go.
Women earn about 17% less than men globally.
Only 40% of women invest in stocks, compared to 55% of men.
Women-led startups receive just 2.3% of global venture capital funding.
57% of women in tech report burnout, compared to 36% of men.
Only 35% of women entrepreneurs apply for bank loans, versus 50% of men.
A lot of this is part of a broken system, but within the system, there’s us, too. We have the capacity to change ourselves, to take the chances, to ask for it, and slowly, from within, we will change what’s broken.
We deserve it.
We deserve it.
We deserve it.
No, I didn’t write it three times mistakenly. I wrote it so it sticks.
So, what will you ask for?
Stay wild,
Isabella