Not everyone is meant to stick (and that's more than okay)
The beauty of letting go what is not meant to stay forever
On my last birthday, I woke up wanting to burst into tears. I was irritated, I felt genuinely upset, sad, frustrated, and I wasn’t able to pinpoint the why, until I sat down to enjoy my breakfast.
I burst into tears, and I realized:
Many of the people who were once the most important in my life were no longer there for my 26th birthday. Two of my closest friends and my ex-partner.
It hurt so much to know and realize these people no longer exist in the new me.
And it felt weird to think that I would be spending this birthday with 12 humans I know from less than a year ago, who are slowly becoming my chosen family.
The myth of forever: Friends, lovers, and lessons
Chosen family evolves.
It does not always remain the same, composed by the same people.
Some people come to teach us in one month what some wish to know throughout their lifetime. Others stay forever, others stick for a few years and fade away when our paths evolve in different directions.
In some way or another, those who pass through our lifetime become different chosen families. They become a core part of our life, and we, of theirs.
We want it to remain eternal. We have this idea that people should stick forever, and though very beautiful, it’s not often real.
It’s very challenging for us to make peace with the temporary.
It’s hard for us to feel okay with the idea of someone leaving us, of someone taking off — in some cases, in awfully painful ways, and other times, in beautiful, heart-opening ways.
We want an eternity of what makes us feel good, seen, alive.
Our friends, our core family, our partners, our chosen family.
We are wired to want a big, fat, happy forever.
Maybe for me, it’s because of what I grew up seeing.
Movies with happy and forever endings, a big love of one’s life, a family lasting forever, and friendship breakups never happening.
I grew up with the idea that eternal happiness is the goal, is what’s normal, it’s what’s expected.
And why would it not be? Happiness is one of the most delicious feelings in the world, but without sadness, misery, and torment, there is no other side of the coin.
Without yin, there is no yang; without oxygen, there is no fire; without soil, there is no water.
Anyways, big topic deviation. I gotta confess I drank an Aperol Spritz, been in the airport of Palermo for the last six hours, flight is delayed, got my period, but feeling beautifully inspired, so bear with me, please.
Normalizing the temporary
Yes, we were discussing the eternity of everything. Back to that.
We’re greedy, as humans.
We want all the good, and we want it permanently.
I’ve come to learn that when people go, there’s a painful beauty in it.
Over the past six years, I've said goodbye to many people I once called family in all kinds of ways. Here are a few of those goodbyes:
Five years ago, I lost a wonderful friend when he landed a job as a flight attendant at Emirates. Now he’s training to become a pilot. I’m so proud of him.
We haven’t spoken in years, but he played a key role in my life.
He understood me deeply,
He saw me, which doesn’t happen often.
He listened.
He was a terrible texter and caller, so it was natural that when he moved to Dubai, our friendship started to break down. I was so angry at him for months. Now, I’m only grateful for his time in my lifetime.
Last summer, I lost a great friend who stuck with me through the real thick and thin.
She saw me at my very worst — after a burnout, in a deep psychological mess.
She was always there.
We had a friendship breakup over WhatsApp.
It absolutely sucked...
I’m still sad about it and think about her often, but it feels like, for now, I’m at peace with our choice.
I love her, and she has been one of the most important people in my years in the Netherlands.
A year ago, I made a mistake with another friend.
I told her about it 5 months later.
For me, it wasn’t a deal breaker.
For her, it was.
I think about her constantly, too.
We both accompanied each other through huge break-ups, tons of personal development, and shared deep spaces.
Humans are extremely complex.
What can be a really small deal for someone can be the end of a relationship for another.
The beauty of letting go
I have more stories like these ones, and I’m sure you do too.
Stupid comments we made, miscommunication, a bad day, or a bad headspace, causing the end of relationships with people we used to call our family.
It sucks when it happens, but what I can say is, it’s only normal.
We evolve, we change, and the people who were once there for a crucial moment might have fulfilled their role in our lives.
We resist it so much, we try to fix it so badly, and we hold on, never getting over it.
Yes, it sucks.
Yes, it will take time
Yes, it will be painful
Yes, let yourself cry
But if you want to take something from this piece, let it be this one:
Let them go.
Thank them.
Hug them at a distance.
Honor their place in your heart.
And when you’re ready, let them go.
I am so grateful for my current chosen family.
I feel sustained, I feel deeply cared for, I feel listened to, and even though it would be marvelous for them to stick through it all, probably they won’t, or I won’t, and it’s absolutely okay.
I’m learning to normalize the temporary, and it feels so refreshing to live life that way.
It’s a privilege for me to have known and continue to know the wonderful people around me. That’s all I care for.
So here’s to the ones who’ve been, who are, and who will be in my path in the unforeseeable future.
Stay wild,
Isabella